Just like most films directed in the 50's, Xexyz features an insane midget robot
on a quest to find different colored hats.  

This ended my hat-quest in the magical world of Xexyz; when a 12 year old girl asks you to hop on her CYBORG RIDER, it's time to hang up all of your hats and call it a day.

Our brave hero..	You'd probably assume that with a title like "Xexyz", the first thing a reviewer would address would be the name. I didn't even make it that far, to deciphering that random collection of letters, before I caught a glimpse of our hero. Or rather, our hero's disembodied head floating above a rocket-powered turtle. Yes, I'm afraid you read that right.
After my initial shock of seeing our decapitated hero, my girlfriend walked in, and asked what I was playing. I tried to tell her the name and she thought I was choking on something, and proceeded to whock me on the back so hard I rocked forward, slamming my head into the edge of the desk. When I came to, I was still no closer to being able to pronounce this game's name. I eventually settled for no particular reason on "zezz-yizz".	Above: An artist's recreation of the events.
	After regaining control of my senses, I started a new game. Right away I knew I was in for some serious gaming goodness; there were all of the important elements for immersing the player in a realistic simulation of a hat-seeking midget; floating doors, boxes with blue stars, and gigantic scary orange heads. Let the entertainment feast begin!
Before I even attempted to move from the first screen, I noticed something interesting... sure, those orange heads were scary, but they also seemed to be a frighteningly realistic likeness of Tom Vilsack, the Governor of Iowa. What do the folks at Hudson Soft know that we don't?
	After receiving no reply from Governor Vilsack to my eloquently worded question on tax reform, I decided to head into the floating door above me. Immediately, some floating faeries tell me that this is the island of ruins, and beseech me to help them. If it's an island of ruins, why are they so fired up to protect it? Here's a better name: Island of Morons. By the way, nice floor, faeries.
I may not always be the sharpest guy around, but I know a trick when I see one. "Drop the treasure box by hitting the ghost with your head." Sure, Hudson Soft. What happens when I hit the ghost, and that 200 pound treasure box falls on my brightly colored head? No thanks. Why don't I just give you my credit card number and location of valuables in my house while I'm at it?
	Hold it... how do you know my name? And what are you anyway? A Rat? Monkey? Goat? If I"m going to take "an attack item", I'd like to know what I'm taking it from. Thanks. A... 45B BALL. Luckily, my XEXYZ INSTRUCTION MANUAL shed some light on this wonderful gift: 45B ball Use "B" button to shoot. It will bounce off any objects at 45 degree angle. Power-up makes 45B Ball to travel faster. Well, that makes sens... wait a minute. A 45 degree angle? Regardless of the angle of incidence? This goat-monkey not only speaks broken English, he has physics defying "attack item" as well! It did make my hat change color, though, so I knew I was making progress.
Whoa there, hoss. THE DEVIL? You can stop right there. I don't know what a FORCE STAR is, but there's no I'm going to try to get it from THE DEVIL armed only with a 45B BALL and a variety of gaily colored hats.
	I don't know who you are, Mr. pink robot with ice cream cones jammed into your ears, but I like the trim of your jibs. While other residents of the Island of ruins are fleeing for their lives or shrieking in terror, you're trying to make a fast buck off of a legally retarded midget with a hat that shoots 45B BALLS. Way to go, robot.
After the gruesome picture the faeries painted in describing the devil, I was surprised to discover that he was a huge fat green man that sat on a throne made of spleens and shot flaming clods of dirt out of his face. Not exactly like the Devil of Christian mythology, but close. Too close.
	To my surprise, I came across an abandoned armored jet cyborg suit sitting in an empty room. I soon discovered why it was abandoned; when activated, it fires a red-hot exhaust jet directly into your ass.
First off old dude, your head is about 20 times the size of the door that leads to BOSS'S ROOM. Why don't you just crack your giant-ass forehead into his house and knock it down, killing him in the process? But Oh no, I get to ride this upside down toilet-plunger that you call a "flying saucer" in your magic big-headed dream world and do it myself. Thanks.
	After the man with the giant forehead sent me on his toilet plunger through the BOSS'S ROOM door, I came face to face with the menace that plagued the land. I recalled the hint I'd received from one of the castle's residents: "THE BOSS'S WEAK POINT IS ITS FOREHEAD." This turned out to be invaluable advice, as the forehead constitutes only 98% of the creature's total mass, making it a difficult target to hit.

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