Continuing my trend of reviewing games with titles composed of letters selected randomly out of a dictionary by chimps, I take a spin through the magical world of Astyanax.

	Now this is a little bit more like it. Right away I forgave Jaleco for the crappy title when I saw this.
You know Astyanax, I have those kind of dreams too, but I don't go around telling people about them. Unless yours involves an egg whisk, a Nun, and a half gallon of strawberry Quik, no one wants to hear about it.
	Here we see the young hero Astyanax immediately shunned by his classmates, after attempting to tell them the origin of his name.
If there's anything less cool than telling people the origin of your name, it's telling people what you think the origin of your name might be.
	I'm not burdened with a name that I think might mean something in Greek, but when I hear someone calling my name, I don't first assume that it's the sun talking to me.
Sure, Asty. Most butterflies have the head of a human female and wear bright green beer cozies on their legs.
	On closer examination, it appears that the faerie, in addition to wearing beer cozies on her legs, has a foot that is actually the head of a coelacanth. Nice touch, Jaleco.
Poor Astyanax becomes more and more agitated as people and butterflies continue to butcher his name. Despite the confusion, our hero somehow manages to understand that this faerie needs to have a princess saved - ironically, the same one that Asty has been having wet dreams about.
	At this point the plot becomes a lot like The Neverending Story, only not good. I do like the way the faerie lets Asty know in no uncertain terms who's wearing the pants around here - if you don't help us, you have to stay in the world where you're a well-respected, ass-kicking warrior, and we won't send you back to the world where everyone hates you.
If there's anything Astyanax needed to reaffirm us of his masculinity, it's this baby blue armor with matching bracelets.
	Once launched into the frightening world of dancing goo and killer dragons the size of a chicken, Asty is never the same. He and his gaily colored armor soldier bravely on.
Our hero is not afraid to take the fight to the enemy. Here, we see Asty going after their breakfast pastries to reduce the enemy's morale.
	Even in monster-land, Asty can't escape the social stigma that plagued him in Greenview High.
There are a number of power up spells available, which, for a nice change in a Nintendo game, actually do something within the game. Here's a rundown of the amazing powers at Asty's disposal: Flaming Buttocks Flaming Buttocks is the first spell you receive. It entails Asty performing a "stop in the name of love" dance move, and then super-heated Hot Pockets fly out of his ass to scorch his foes.
	Summon Flash Gordon I became quite excited when I picked this spell up; what soul would not be moved with a symbol that clearly represents the friend of friends, Flash Gordon? I immediately used it, ready for his imminent Flashness to help me out of the horde of beasts descending on me. Instead, the screen flashed white a few times. Still, I could feel Flash's holy power at work around me, so all in all it was a success.
Magic Beach Ball If there's anything that calls Greek Mythology to mind, it's magical beach balls. This is an unusually handy spell, as it allows you to stop time for about a half second to get a free attack with your weapon. Unfortunately, Asty moves like a pregnant yak, so your chances of ambling over to the enemy and delivering a crushing blow before the beach ball's magic runs out are slim. Still, sometimes it affords you the rare opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of your oppoents; notice this shot, where the magma-flesh zombie is preparing to unleash a rank miasma from his unholy armpits.
Our hero is not afraid to take the fight to the enemy. Here, we see Asty going after their breakfast pastries to reduce the enemy's morale.
	Even in monster-land, Asty can't escape the social stigma that plagued him in Greenview High.
There are a number of power up spells available, which, for a nice change in a Nintendo game, actually do something within the game. Here's a rundown of the amazing powers at Asty's disposal: Flaming Buttocks Flaming Buttocks is the first spell you receive. It entails Asty performing a "stop in the name of love" dance move, and then super-heated Hot Pockets fly out of his ass to scorch his foes.
	Summon Flash Gordon I became quite excited when I picked this spell up; what soul would not be moved with a symbol that clearly represents the friend of friends, Flash Gordon? I immediately used it, ready for his imminent Flashness to help me out of the horde of beasts descending on me. Instead, the screen flashed white a few times. Still, I could feel Flash's holy power at work around me, so all in all it was a success.
Magic Beach Ball If there's anything that calls Greek Mythology to mind, it's magical beach balls. This is an unusually handy spell, as it allows you to stop time for about a half second to get a free attack with your weapon. Unfortunately, Asty moves like a pregnant yak, so your chances of ambling over to the enemy and delivering a crushing blow before the beach ball's magic runs out are slim. Still, sometimes it affords you the rare opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of your oppoents; notice this shot, where the magma-flesh zombie is preparing to unleash a rank miasma from his unholy armpits.
	After facing the horrible stench of these demons, I was ready for a little breather. Fortunately my faerie-friend flitted by just them, to have a wee expository cut scene with me. Gee, let's think. You're 16, and there's a hot, mostly-naked woman with wings sitting on your shoulder. Somehow I think daydreaming about all of the wedgies he got at Greenview High is going to be the last thing on Asty's mind.
	After all of the excitement, I surely wasn't prepared for what happened next. Jaleco, give our hearts some time to slow down before you spring this kind of stuff on us! Oh no! The king's been betrayed. Who would have imagined such a trust-worthy looking fellow as this could do such a deed?
The betrayal of the king was too much for my fragile constitution to stand. To remind myself of happier times, when all I had to worry about was if there were people at my school that didn't know the origin of my name, I constructed this lovely picture.

Get the ROM here Grade: 4/10 Back to NES reviews